When I get elected President...

I will pull us out of everywhere and address the world in a live telecast....

"Do whatever the fuck you want, we're out of here."

Then, I'll divert all military spending to spending on alternative energy and big seawalls, for when the global warming floods come.

And on the outside of the seawall, I'll write in big letters:

"Don't let the massive seawall dissuade you from coming, our borders are now open.  We don't like half the people who are already here, so what difference does it make?  Just make sure you pay taxes and don't litter.  No nose picking or loud radios after 10PM either.  People need to wake up early, you know... and we shouldn't need to tell you about the nose picking."

After that, we'll start a government secrets blog.  First post: All about the aliens.  In fact, that's part of why I want to be President in the first place.  Tell me that's not a cool meeting:

"Ok, so give it to me.  What's the deal with the aliens?  Can I see the bodies?  Does the spaceship still work, like in Independence Day?  Oh, and JFK, too.  What happened there?"

Oh, and I'd promote a la carte, month to month pricing for everything.  Anyone can get any heathcare plan, not just the ones your company picks for you.  Cable, too.  You don't watch that channel, you don't have to pay for it.  Cell phones?  No two year contracts.  No penalties for quitting.  If you get bad service, feel free to leave.

And that stupid "winner of the All-Star game determines the home field advantage in the World Serious"... that goes, too.  Seriously, what the f is that?  If you win 120 games, your team should get home field.

What else?  Oh, yeah... basic parenting classes.  If you need a license to fish, you should need a license to unleash offspring onto the world.  We could make the test pretty easy, but at least just cover the bare minimum stuff.  Kind of like driving.  If you can't identify a stop sign, then you shouldn't be allowed to drive.  Same with kids.  If you don't know that feeding your kid McDonalds each day isn't healthy, sorry but you're going to have to retake this test until you pass.

Speaking of food...   Government mandated portion sizes, particularly for beverages.  Until you learn not to drink yourselves into diabetes with Super Big Gulps of Diet Coke, you just can't have that much.  It's no good for you.

And we'll fix that ridiculous electoral vote process, too.  Person who gets the most votes wins. 

We'll also be taking state by state votes on gay marriage.  To any state that doesn't allow gay marriage, we're going to make them put that big Arnold Diaz "Shame on you" finger on their "Welcome to..." road signs.  We'll also institute a prejudice tax on those states to pay for extra copies of wedding albums from the gay weddings being held in other states.  Albums will be airlifted and dropped on the homophobe  states and should any 'phobes get clonked on the head with an album, well, that's the price of creativity.   That's about as far as I think I can go without making marriage a federally regulated institution, like communications.   Just look at our damn cable and cell phone bills and service.... yeah.. just not a good idea.

Oh, and wiffleball on the South Lawn...everyday.