BREAKING: iTablet product warnings leaked

I can’t tell you how I got this, but I hear that the iTablet user manual comes with a whole host of unexpected disclosures:

  • Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to The Apple iTablet.
  • Caution: The Apple iTablet may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
  • The Apple iTablet contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
  • Do not use The Apple iTablet on concrete.
  • Discontinue use of The Apple iTablet if any of the following occurs:
    • itching
    • vertigo
    • dizziness
    • tingling in extremities
    • loss of balance or coordination
    • slurred speech
    • temporary blindness
    • profuse sweating
    • heart palpitations
  • If The Apple iTablet begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.
  • The Apple iTablet may stick to certain types of skin.
  • When not in use, The Apple iTablet should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of The Apple iTablet, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.
  • Ingredients of The Apple iTablet include an unknown glowing green substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
  • The Apple iTablet has been shipped to our troops in Afghanistan and is being dropped by warplanes.
  • Do not taunt The Apple iTablet.
  • The Apple iTablet comes with a lifetime warranty.