Work, Love, and Softball

I have been so overwhelmed at work, its ridiculous. When you work in an environment where things just need to get done, yet there isn't generally a lot of strict assignment as to who is supposed to get them done, you tend to get the short end of the stick if you are the type of person who won't let balls drop. Some people are fine to walk out before questions are answered, things are taken care of, etc. I'm not one of those people.

I'll tell you one thing, I'm glad to have Jeff the Intern around, that's for sure. Its like having a tree chipper in my office. Stuff comes in that I don't have time for and I just shove it to his side and listen to that immediate "neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr" sound as he works. Good stuff.

Lately, I've been quite the flake when it comes to these sorts of things. Pursuing stuff, then pulling back. Being indecisive. Rethinking stuff from the past, and contradicting myself as well. One person I'll knock for being too aggressive and someone else I'll knock for their own passiveness. What's going on here? What am I even looking for?

It definitely reinforces the notion that the search for others is really a search for self, because the times in my life where I've been most clear about what I've wanted, are also the times in which I experienced the most personal clarity. In the last six months, personal clarity has been muddied by potential moves, a floundering book, new work responsibility, monitoring programs, family stuff, etc... and thus I've been rather flakey to people personally. Its not an excuse. I'm just pointing out the causal relationship, or what seems to be the cause.

At most issue is what level of commitment, and just really participation I want from someone else. First off, I'm generally not someone who has a lot of free time in general, so its easy to say I just want someone informal, casual, etc. But, to be honest, now I think that sometimes casual stuff takes more time than serious stuff, because casual stuff always seems to imply more than one person. Its a mirage that casual is easier, I think, because that never seems to be the case. Plus, you need to spend that much more time convincing someone you're not just using them, because they are not backstopped by some formal relationship.

Also at issue is how I want the other person reacting to me. On one hand, I think it would be hard for me to deal with the pressure of someone pursuing me hard, asking for all sorts of time. On the other hand, I do feel like I deserve someone who at least asks. Aren't I good enough to create a need in someone else to see me all the time? Who wants someone that acts as if they can take you or leave you? Sure, that's convenient from a life management perspective, because you know you can cancel on them, move them around, etc... but is love the kind of thing you want to be so convenient? I think its a lot like getting median venture capital GPs. If you're going to be in it, you want top quartile, otherwise its not worth it.

Part of it has to do with the idea of chemistry vs. criteria. I'd be interested if people had comments here. Think of it the spectrum as, on one end, you meet someone and before you know it, you're smooching away and lots of things are happening. You're laughing and being cute, and as far as you can tell, you've really hit it off with someone, without really knowing a lot of the details of someone's life. On the other hand, you meet someone and really invest the time to get to know them before anything happens. You learn to appreciate what kind of a person they are, if you share the same values, etc, before you discern whether or not you have a match. Which one is more true? Does chemistry exist, or is it just lust based on perception that may not actually be truth? Or, is getting the details of someone's life a cold, logical way to arrive at something that should be based on gut feeling and emotion? Do you fall for someone with your heart or with your head?

Oh, and I just learned there is a Blog spellcheck. Nice... now you'll all think I'm smaart.

Lastly... here's the last GM Softball news:

Miracle Motors Down, but Not Out, After Skid Reaches Three

After eight games, General Motors was sitting pretty at 6-2, only a game out of first place. After a 2-10 season, the team started looking at the standings, and counting down to the playoffs.

Three heartbreaking losses later, capped off by a 6-4 loss last night to Metro 53, GM should be completely out of the hunt. However, the Northern Division has completely collapsed over the past four weeks, and GM finds itself with a glimmer of hope. Four teams have clinched the six playoff spots, and another six teams are vying for the last two. For GM to get in, the Law Sox need to lose at least two of their last four games, which will be mostly rainout makeups. In addition, two of White Case, Oz Capital, and the Clinchers have to lose their final games.

Of course, for all this to work out GM needs to actually win its final game and stop the second half slump. After scoring a total of seven runs in its last two games, one thing that will have to happen is for the bats to wake up. Mike D'Annunzio scored the team's first run again early on, but the offense would slow to a crawl until late. Ted Feury kept GM in the game, holding Metro to four in five, and John Cross notched a scoreless sixth. Strong defense by third baseman Mark Attanasio and Gold Glove first baseman John Stevens also helped. GM got a step closer when Charlie O'Donnell scored in the fifth on an Alexis Kramer sac fly, making it 4-3. In the sixth, Sam Pollotta launched a huge RBI triple to tie the game up, but that would be the end of the GM scoring. Metro 53 pushed two runs across the board, one on a monster blast to left center, which was that Metro hitter's second time going yard.

In their last at bat, GM failed to replicate its early season last inning heroics, and failed to score. They will attempt to finish the season strong on 8/19, and all they can do in the meantime is hope for the misfortune of others.

OK... so PS, I just went to go post this and it had timed out, and I almost thought I lost the whole thing. I would have been REALLY pissed and probably never blogged again. You guys came really close to losing me.